• Damien Bohler

Polarity, Attraction & Attachment - Part 1

Updated: Sep 17, 2020

Romantic and sexual attraction is based on polarisation. It is the ‘electricity’ between two opposing poles that creates the charge that we know as this experience of attraction.

This force exists right throughout nature. We live in a universe of duality, and polarity is the fundamental composition of duality. We can see this polarised charge at the level of an atom in the tension between a proton (situated in the nucleus) and an electron. The positive charge of the proton and the negative charge of the electron interact with each other in a dynamic tension which creates the structure that we know of as an atom.

A romantic relationship follows this form, it is the interplay between polarities that causes the attraction to arise and the desire to be together to be present. Without some form of polarity, there would be no basis to create such a strong structural unit. Relationships as we know them are structural units, and there is nothing wrong with that. Biologically, forming these ‘nuclear’ relationships has been a beneficial aspect of our evolution. For many of us this is what we want to have as the basis of how we interact with our romantic/sexual preference, and that’s great.

So what generates this polarity?

This is where it get’s interesting.

Unfortunately for many of us, our attachment/bonding process was not adequately completed through childhood. Sadly, the current structure of our society doesn’t fully understand what a child needs in order to grow up with a healthy, integrated and regulated nervous system (and what is currently being done to children in this whole global you-know-what situation is horrendous with massive repercussions that won’t be seen for another 10 or more years, however that’s another topic).

If we are insecurely attached then the basis of attraction polarity is generated by this insecure attachment. This is, in a way, our unconscious definition of love. We will be drawn to, and seek out, the very type of connection that is familiar to our disturbed nervous systems. As much as it seems to perpetually fuck us up over and over, it will be what is most ‘attractive’, because this is how we are finding and feeling polarity.

Our attraction radar is fundamentally misfiring.

When we are moving from attachment as our polarity structure then sexual and romantic (love) attraction are actually stress states in the nervous system. Those butterflies… those thoughts that can’t stop thinking about them… that needing to run away from them… that hyper-critical scrutiny of them… these are all neurological signals of arousal, and not the good kind.

To quickly revisit the main insecure attachment types:

Ambivalent (also known as anxious/preoccupied) - tends to romanticise a potential partner super fast, projects ultimate fantasies onto them, becomes hyper attuned to every word and gesture they give, hangs out by the phone waiting for texts and calls and becomes anxious when not provided with almost constant reassurance that a connection is still happening and progressing.

Dismissive avoidant - needs heaps of space and time outside of a romantic connection, tends to see lots of flaws in people they date and always looking for the ideal partner (that is never the one right here in front of them), tends to usually have one foot out the door and really does not like committing.

Fearful avoidant - also needs heaps of space and time outside of a romantic connection, more so from a place where they are easily overwhelmed and need to hide away to regulate themselves. Prone to sudden disappearances from a connection without a word.

Now of course there is so much more to these attachment types, yet this is sort of a starting point.

How do you know if you are insecurely attached?

It’s pretty simply really, if you are over the age of 30 and still single… it’s cos of attachment stuff. It’s got nothing to do with there being no good men or no good women. It’s got nothing to do with all those narcissists, or clingy needy types, or those who ghost you, that you end up dating. Because YOU are the one attracted to them, and the attraction comes from this insecure wiring in the brain.

Or if you find that all of your relationships kind of have the same pattern, and you always end up broken up and either hurting super bad… OR leaving behind someone who is hurting super bad, then it’s pretty representative of an insecure attachment pattern.

Attachment tests can be good, yet unless we are in the throes of our insecure patterning, it’s very easy to forget how out of control we can get once sex and romance enter the picture. Many people don’t have the right level of critical self-honesty to get an accurate response in a test.

So… what do we do about this!?

Romantic and sexual connection is this thing that most of us yearn for.

We are all absolutely fascinated by it, and perplexed by it.

We hire coaches, and do courses and workshops, listen to podcasts all so we can have the better, hotter, juicier sex and love life.

Yet if, as this article points to, our fundamental mechanism for responding to attraction is off, all we will get is the same thing over and over.

Healing attachment wounds is the primary work needed to enter the possibility of a higher level of polarity attraction.

To be continued in part 2...

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