Polarity, Attraction & Attachment - Part 2
Unicorn Poops - The first step of healing
Question: "I have wondered if what we can 'love' is actually pathological. Can we be free of attachment? Can we connect with someone without our attachment neurosis? Are there healthy relationships?"
My thoughts: Yes I believe there is, and we can.
However to do so we have to get really really fucking honest that our maps of love are distorted. We need to admit that our attraction radars are misfiring and looking at the wrong thing. We have to admit that our wounds have been running the show.
And we have to absolutely and utterly stop doing the same thing over and over and stop going for the same kinds of people over and over.
We need to stop smooshing our wounds against another’s wounds in a trauma-porn fetish, and calling it love.
And it's only from there, with a relaxed nervous system that isn't tricked/triggered into heightened arousal and confused thinking that "this is love!!" or "this is sexual turn-on!!" ... can we begin to create something else.
The problem is it's so ridiculously easy to be addicted to the fantasy of absolute love, not realising that the fantasy is the addiction.
And it's so easy to defend our notions of this fantasy, regardless of how many times it fucks us up... each time saying "it was just this one thing, next time it will be different" yet not doing anything different, going for the same person, ignoring the same set of red flags and left dumped on our asses wondering why the fuck it happened YET AGAIN!?
We are often addicted to the notion of "chemistry" as being the appropriate marker for love... however chemistry isn't a good basis by which to determine sexual and romantic compatibility when wired by insecure attachment.
Chemistry is often (but not always, if one has a healthy love map/secure attachment none of this applies - however one needs critical discernment to know if this is true and my observation is a lot of people believe they are more secure than they actually truly are, as evidenced by continued relationship difficulties) one, or both, of two things:
- a procreative urge that says this person has the right kind of genes to make babies with (which completely disregards their actual suitability as a partner)
- distress chemicals signalling that something is actually really wrong, yet confused as being turn-on (trauma-porn)
So we have to get raw, stop the addiction and go through the withdrawals and rehabilitations and the desert where nothing quite works right anymore and there is a void of love and sex and intimacy because we are in that weird limbo of differentiation but not yet transcendence and definitely not yet integration. We have to stop firing the cocaine-like addiction to the adrenaline and dopamine flooded high of sexual and romantic attraction to the wrong type of person.
Until a whole new pattern shows up.
The Twelve Step Program has a pretty useful directionality to tackle this problem.
Step one in Twelve Step is “we admitted we were powerless and that our life had become unmanageable”.
The beauty in this statement and step is the radical honesty inherent with it. Healing doesn’t start until we can become truly honest that we have things that need to be healed, that we are repeatedly acting in ways not in our best interest, and that things are not working out as we wish they would.
If we want a different story of romantic love, we have to admit the shit that keeps perpetuating what has been occurring up until now.
We have to admit that we have attachment wounds. Not in a way that blames our parents or our life history (although as we start touching those wounds all kinds of feelings are going to emerge from grief to rage to hatred to fear to guilt to shame) and not in a way that perpetuates the strong inner critic that might want to blame ourselves, and think there is something wrong with us.
We can’t “own our shit” (have a unicorn poop) from a place of victimhood. We can’t do it from a place of whining and whinging and poor me. We can’t do it to get attention or manipulate an outcome.
If you have been watching my personal Facebook feed lately you might have seen a few examples where I’ve shared parts of my history or publicly admitted to certain flaws and harmful perspectives.
The practice of digging in deep and admitting to these things is incredibly vulnerable, it opens one up to the very real possibility of rejection and ostracisation. There is the possibility of being attacked and damned for the hurt we may have caused others. It will start to surface many deep feelings.
After I shared and admitted to some of my wounds openly, I spent many hours crying in the bath as I felt myself open further and further to my core. It was raw, yet has begun filling me with a new sense of deep strength and renewed vigour to break the patterning that once held me so tightly.
The second beautiful aspect of unicorn pooping is that it is quite often deeply healing to others, particularly those who have been hurt by the ways our particular wound has kept genuine love and intimacy at bay. It may not have been people affected directly by you, nevertheless these wounds are archetypical and collective in nature. While they each have individual frequencies, there is also a shared patterning.
I know for myself when I read, in particular avoidant types, own their behaviours - own their ghosting and dismissive attitudes it feels like a healing balm to my heart. Some part of my armouring drops off and my heart opens more. That acknowledgment releases me from the crazy feelings I have often felt when engaged with that particular wound in my dating and romantic life.
In this way something magical begins to happen. By us getting raw and real and openly admitting the ways in which our wounds have been running our lives, and the ways in which we now come to realise have actually deeply hurt others and continuously pushed away genuine love and intimacy from our life - we begin healing each other!!!
How fucking amazing is that.
Our brains can, and will, heal and change and grow and transform with the right stimuli and the right kind of consistent behaviour and practice.
At first as we embark on this process it's gonna be a pretty empty world, cos most people still wanna play in the Disneyland fantasies of "this time it will be different" without ever actually doing anything truly different other than spending time in cathartic releases and endless inner child processing - which is all well and good yet doesn't change interpersonal dynamics (it's easy to feel secure when single)... these need to be resolved in relation with others.
The first step of which, is getting real.
Eventually though more of us will arrive and those waiting patiently in the quiet yet potently fertile lands will be able to smile and say "welcome, I'm so glad you are here... let's play and together grow new communities and ways of being!!”
Are you ready to start unicorn pooping?
Are you ready to begin releasing the victim that wants to blame the outside world, blame others, blame your parents, blame no good men/women, blame the perpetrators, blame our culture, blame the patriarchy, blame our ancestors?
Are you ready to dig deep and admit that you have hurt others, that you have held and operate from deep wounds that have created the circumstances in your life that has been repeatedly attracted to the wounds of others?
We can’t change what we can’t see. Getting real is learning to see, learning to make object of the waters in which we were once unconsciously swimming.
Nothing will change, until you change.